Moved

I probably should have mentioned this a while ago (like maybe back when it happened), but I decided that I like Wordpress a whole lot better than blogspot... so I moved over to there. Feel free to continue following me at my new (and much improved) blog:
http://whitewatermark.wordpress.com/

Thanks muchly!!
-Nic

Life is more than Resolution

Psalm 5
1Give ear to my words, O LORD,
Consider my groaning.
2Heed the sound of my cry for help, my King and my God,
For to You I pray.
3In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice;
In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.
4For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness;
No evil dwells with You.
5The boastful shall not stand before Your eyes;
You hate all who do iniquity.
6You destroy those who speak falsehood;
The LORD abhors the man of bloodshed and deceit.
7But as for me, by Your abundant lovingkindness I will enter Your house,
At Your holy temple I will bow in reverence for You.
8O LORD, lead me in Your righteousness because of my foes;
Make Your way straight before me.
9There is nothing reliable in what they say;
Their inward part is destruction itself
Their throat is an open grave;
They flatter with their tongue.
10Hold them guilty, O God;
By their own devices let them fall!
In the multitude of their transgressions thrust them out,
For they are rebellious against You.
11But let all who take refuge in You be glad,
Let them ever sing for joy;
And may You shelter them,
That those who love Your name may exult in You.
12For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O LORD,
You surround him with favor as with a shield.


I've never really bought into the whole New Year's Resolutions thing. Usually my resolution is simply to have no "special" resolution. New Year's in general is one of the more uneventful holidays in my mind. However, if one can get past the sappy, fake optimism and overabundance of reliving the year's news that was either unable to be forgotten or no one cared about, one may indeed find some gems. As we start a new year it can be a good time to not look back and regret the mistakes of the past but to apply the knowledge gained to future goals of bettering oneself.

As a Christian, this looking to the future takes on deeper meaning as one of the main purposes of our lives is to become more and more Christ-like. Coming off of the craziest, best, worst, most growth-filled, and most pain-filled year of my life so far, this particular January 1st has allowed me to take a step back and catch my breath. There were so many missed opportunities and so many unexpected blessings. There is so much that I need to correct, so much to forget and leave behind, so much to look forward to.

I'm not one for resolutions, but this New Year's is special for me. The beginning of a new chapter is being written in my life and I need to make sure that it remains as epic as it is meant to be. I need to reignite my love for God and for man. I need to run, not walk, down the path laid out for me. I need to stop waiting for something to happen but go out and fight for it. I need to hold on to hope. I need to remember the comfort found in God's embrace when I screw up again.

I avoid New Year's resolutions, but this year I have one.
I don't want to exist. I want to LIVE.

Ever blessed,
-Nic

Joyeux Noel

Psalm 4
1Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer.
2 O sons of men, how long will my honor become a reproach?
How long will you love what is worthless and aim at deception? Selah.
3But know that the LORD has set apart the godly man for Himself;
The LORD hears when I call to Him.
4Tremble, and do not sin;
Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.
5Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And trust in the LORD.
6Many are saying, "Who will show us any good?"
Lift up the light of Your countenance upon us, O LORD!
7You have put gladness in my heart,
More than when their grain and new wine abound.
8In peace I will both lie down and sleep,
For You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety.

I just finished my second annual Christmas Eve tradition of staying up far too late watching a movie. This year it was a film called Joyeux Noel (French for Merry Christmas). It is an incredibly powerful, semi-fictional account of the historical events of Christmas Eve, 1914, when the Scottish, French, and German lines called a cease-fire and fraternized with each other for that entire night and the day of Christmas following. Ten minutes into the film, I wanted to cry. When I realized I was only halfway through the film, I almost stopped watching. When I finished the film, I did cry. The stupidity of war (particular the so-called "Great War") and the pain and suffering and separation that comes with it was countered so perfectly by the undying hope and love that is shared globally on Christmas as shown in Joyeux Noel, and I could not help but to be reminded the whole way through the movie of my blessedness to be free from such death and despair both literally and spiritually.

Psalm 4 is a distress signal, a white flag raised in the hopes of grace. It is a plea for the waiting to end and the punishment of our trespasses to rain down, and it is a curse on those who have harmed us, as well. It reminds us to fear the Lord and to walk in His statutes. It asks that question on the back of everyone's mind: Who will show us any good? Is humanity even capable of good?

On Christmas we celebrate the answer to Psalm 4. Two millennium ago, the very Son of God was born as a human baby. He did not come to smite the wicked. He did not come to reward the righteous. He did not come to bring peace to the world. He did not come to do anything special in the minds of men. He came merely to live and to die. But He came to do so perfectly. In His perfect life and perfect death, that God who took on the imperfection of human flesh did something no human could: He provided a way back to His arms. It is there that we will find peace. It is there that we will find grace. It is there that suffering is turned to joy and there that death dies. It is there that we find the true meaning of love. It is there, in the arms of God, that we find out what goodness is.

It began on that first Christmas.
Joyeux Noel.

-Nic

Selah

Psalm 3
1O LORD, how my adversaries have increased!
Many are rising up against me.
2Many are saying of my soul,
"There is no deliverance for him in God." Selah.
3But You, O LORD, are a shield about me,
My glory, and the One who lifts my head.
4I was crying to the LORD with my voice,
And He answered me from His holy mountain. Selah.
5I lay down and slept;
I awoke, for the LORD sustains me.
6I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people
Who have set themselves against me round about.
7Arise, O LORD; save me, O my God!
For You have smitten all my enemies on the cheek;
You have shattered the teeth of the wicked.
8Salvation belongs to the LORD;
Your blessing be upon Your people! Selah.

The Lord will be faithful to save.
David wrote this psalm as the outpouring of a broken heart. His son Absalom, was attempting to usurp the throne. Not only did this mean that one of his favorite sons was trying to kill him, but the country was being torn apart as a result. It was a dark time for David. Feeling friendless, hopeless, and surrounded by enemies, he turned to the only one that had never failed his trust. Countless times, God had been there in his neediest hours, always providing a hand of protection and of comfort. David was far from being a perfect man, but he always knew where to turn to when he screwed up or the world seemed to conspire against him. He knew that the Lord would provide for him in this situation, as well.
The Lord is faithful to save.
I do not have a family member trying to kill me. In fact there is no one I know that I am not on at least civil terms with currently. But sometimes it still feels like I am friendless, hopeless, and surrounded by enemies. It just happens to be an internal conflict, and I am fighting the seemingly insurmountable issues of my own making. Despite my generally happy personality, I have found more and more often that the weight of guilt coupled with my stubbornness have led me down a sad, broken road of emotional turmoil that is so foreign to my character, but that I have gotten all too used to. But I know where to turn to for salvation. I know that God is just waiting for me to stop avoiding Him and stumble towards Him instead. I just pray that I can man up and have the guts that David did to do so over and over.
The Lord has faithfully saved.
In reading Psalm 3 you might perhaps notice an interesting aspect of some of the language David uses. If you look at verses 4 and 7 in particular, you can see that those statements are written in past tense: "You have answered me," "You have smitten all my enemies." It is an immense comfort to be reminded of the Lord's prescience and prior actions. He is not only sure to be there when we need Him most. He is also there laying the foundations for our salvation before we even realize we need it. There is no digging a hole to deep for God to reach down and pull me out of, for he has been right next to me the entire time.
I know that I will face many more trials in my life. I know that many of them will be of my own making. And I know that they will lead to some dark times for me. But I know three other things, as well.
I know that my God has already saved me. I know that my God is currently saving me. And I know that my God has prepared my future salvation.
Selah.

In good hands,
Nic

Without Further Ado

So here I am finally putting up my thoughts on Psalm 2. Yes, it's been just over a month since the first chapter. Let it be known that it's been a crazy month. And, as is likely quite apparent, I have a lot to work on. So without further ado I give to you: Psalm 2.

1Why are the nations in an uproar
And the peoples devising a vain thing?
2The kings of the earth take their stand
And the rulers take counsel together
Against the LORD and against His Anointed, saying,
3"Let us tear their fetters apart
And cast away their cords from us!"
4He who sits in the heavens laughs,
The Lord scoffs at them.
5Then He will speak to them in His anger
And terrify them in His fury, saying,
6"But as for Me, I have installed My King
Upon Zion, My holy mountain."
7"I will surely tell of the decree of the LORD:
He said to Me, 'You are My Son,
Today I have begotten You.
8'Ask of Me, and I will surely give the nations as Your inheritance,
And the very ends of the earth as Your possession.
9'You shall break them with a rod of iron,
You shall shatter them like earthenware.'"
10Now therefore, O kings, show discernment;
Take warning, O judges of the earth.
11Worship the LORD with reverence
And rejoice with trembling.
12Do homage to the Son, that He not become angry, and you perish in the way,
For His wrath may soon be kindled
How blessed are all who take refuge in Him!

It's kinda funny how accurately Scripture can speak to the heart. I've been a perfect model of those kings and leaders, trying to wrestle the issues of my world into my own hands, misusing my weaknesses and ignoring my strengths. Worst of all, as the kings of old, I have relied on the counsel of my own meager wisdom and insight, packing God away in a neat little box to take out again when I have everything under control. A problem with this strategy arose early on, however, as I saw the fires of life burning more and more, and my control slipping further away from me the more effort I put into maintaining it. And the arousal of other great beasts not even entirely of my own making (notably the totalling of my car) certainly added another level to the chaotic frenzy that I had not planned on. But, being the stubbern mess that I am, I refused to turn away from the immenent cliff, but charged on in my not-so-blind rage "Against the LORD and against His Anointed, saying, 'Let us tear their fetters apart And cast away their cords from us!'"(v.3) But I was finding it more and more difficult to run away from the consequences of my actions: the feared wrath and scoffing of verses 4 and 5. I was starting to lose hope in a pretty serious way, rapidly aproaching the point of just giving up entirely on being of any worth.

But Psalm 2 does not end with God meting out His righteous (and most deserved) justice on the kings. He instead continues beyond that point, giving not just a warning to change their ways, but encouragement and hope. The very last phrase of the psalm: "How blessed are all who take refuge in Him!"(v.12) shows beyond the shadow of doubt that there is forgiveness for those who return to Him, and even more that there is safety and comfort in His light.
Thankfully my story has not yet ended with me going off that cliff. A couple of nights ago, as I was trying to forget my pain in my pillow, the realization hit me: there is nothing to be afraid of. There is no fall to far to be raised back up from. There is no sin that can mar a life to the extent that it can no longer be used by God. I cannot begin to describe the waves of joy that crashed over me as those thoughts zipped through my consciousness, so I won't try. I must say that I felt not a little foolish, as well, at my idea that I could somehow screw up God's purpose for my life because of my folly.

I know that I will do terrible things in the future. I know that I will miss out on great opportunities as a result of my failure to follow God. But I also know that while my path changes constantly, I will most assuredly still end up at the final destination that was mine from the founding of the world. So I will hold on to that hope that remains firm, knowing that the sorrows and joys of life will only positively impact the end. After all, it's the build up that makes the grand finale.

Bursting forth,
Nic

Further up and further in!

Heya! So as part of a plan to help bolster both my Scriptural knowledge and my personal spiritual life as a whole, I've decided to keep a journal (or something of the sort) of my thoughts on what I read in my devotions. The plan is for me to read a chapter a day and record my questions and discoveries I stumble upon on the way. Some posts might ramble aimlessly on for pages. Others might only be one or two sentences. One or two might be intelligent. Some might be inspired or even inspiring. Most will probably be quite the opposite. But hopefully every post will help you and I to grow just a little bit closer to the Father who holds our lives in His hands. I encourage you to join me as I embark on this venture through realms both familiar and un!

Being one of my favorite books of the Bible, and also one that I think we'll find surprising depth residing in unforeseen nooks, I have chosen to begin my venture with a journey through the Psalms. So without further ado: Psalm 1.

1How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the path of sinners,
Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
2But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
3He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers.
4The wicked are not so,
But they are like chaff which the wind drives away.
5Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
6For the LORD knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the wicked will perish.
(Taken from the NASB)

Well, I've got to say that precious few passages could be more uplifting to start out this project than one that encourages us to meditate on and delight in God's Word. It's a bit ironic actually. For not a short while now I've been very much slacking in spending time even reading Scripture, much less taking it to heart and applying it. Then, after coming up with the idea of carrying out this project to help recover from said malady and despite being exuberantly excited about it, I still put it off for a good couple of weeks before you now find me writing this entry. So having the first thing I read end up being what it was is somewhat humorous to me. Having previously run into God's sense of humor on multiple occasions, something like this was not entirely unexpected. I was merely anticipating more of the berating, tongue-in-cheek kind of sly reminder as to my obvious lack of dedication in pursuing Him. Instead I am confronted by a double-whammy of the psalmist's intense joy he obviously finds in imparting God's wisdom and the encouraging promise of the joy the receiver will find on his journey. My warm-fuzzy feeling is then toned into resolution to never revert back to the state illustrated in the second half of the passage. My dogged pursuit of living by my own power, attempting to drag myself by my bootstraps has left me feeling lost, confused, and desperate for what I was running from for some time now. The words of Psalm 1 are truly an encouraging and emboldening war cry for me to rediscover myself and my relationship with my Creator and press forward to the fray! I hope that even an echo of that cheer has found its way to your ears, as well.

Struggling to be who I am,
Nic

June 12, 1930.

My life is all just a screwy nightmare. You know: the kind where you can’t really tell if you’re awake or not, you have no clue what’s going on and you can’t help but move in slow motion. The kind where you feel like you’re drowning in the air; going blind in broad daylight. But it’s not because I grew up in the streets after my parents were blown to bits before the war even truly started. My childhood was probably about as great as someone could ask for. What a “privileged” adult would look away from with tears was just a crazy, exciting adventure to a kid. No, I used to love life. Back when I had purpose. Back when I had hope. But isn’t that how fate works? You dream you’re in a tropical paradise only to wake up and find out you’re swimming in muck.

My head is killing me.

The sunset never fails to take my breath away. Even when I’m as depressed as now. Something about how the colors are so lush, yet remain intensely vibrant despite being cast by the light of a sinking sun has always resonated with me. Maybe because it reminds me of the way my own heart is setting. Or maybe because somehow, someway, it sparks a little ember in me that knows that even though I’ve destroyed my life so far, maybe, just maybe I can make the rest of it worthwhile.

But that’s just words. Just something that Evalyn said. Something that I wish could be true. Appropriate. That is what her name means after all: desire. I desire to live. I want to love. I wish that I could hope. But those words have no true meaning for me.

She told me she would save me. She can’t. I no longer have a soul to save. I wonder if I ever did.