Life has been called a river, a journey, a road which everyone must follow in their own way. And one of the commonly phrased concepts about all three is that they are never straight for long. Every time that I think I know what lies ahead, a new turn or hill completely rattles around my perspective once again. And I don't believe that my life will ever be without those intermittent moments hitting me every now and then. To tell the truth, I don't think I want them to stay away from me. It's true I always come out of those times rather shaken up: confused, scared, lonely. But I also always come away with a new resolution for moving forward and pursuing the person I know God made me to be. I know I would be a very immature, stale little boy without those moments. They make me feel as if I've been reborn every time. I love that. I'm very grateful for it. I sometimes even find myself wishing to have such a moment descend on me. And it usually does. I can't imagine a worse life than never having them force progression on me.
But they still hurt.
Because I'm such an outspoken and arrogant person, seemingly brimming with confidence, something I think very few people recognize in me is my insecurity. Truthfully, I'm not sure if anyone at all understands how heavy it weighs on me. Each and every action of mine is affected by it one way or another. I spend so much thought and effort into getting people to notice I exist that it's really quite pitiful. And I just want to laugh when I catch myself at it. But I can't. Being in love with someone infinitely out of your reach certainly doesn't help anything either. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes, with the way I lie and live on. But I have no way to express it all deeply enough, no trigger for release. So I bottle up all my emotions and hide them, always returning to my happy-go-lucky facade. It's sobering when you claim that your entire life's purpose is to bring glory and honor to the One who rightly deserves it all, but then realize that you're not even trusting Him to play fairly with your emotions, much less fix your problems and take care of your life.
I'm a walking oxymoron. I cannot place my confidence in myself. And yet I refuse to wholly give in to the only One who can.
And so here I am again, knowing that I can't remain who I am, knowing that maturity is coming whether I want it or not, whether I'm ready for it or not. But I'm too stubborn, too frightened to take that needed step forward. It's kind of ironic that a self-proclaimed daredevil struggles so much with a simple leap of faith.
I know that God will use me in spite all of my deficiencies and failures. I know that He cares for and blesses His children beyond where our imaginations can take us. I know that life will always be better because of His influence. But I desperately hope that I don't settle for better. Despite the pain, regardless of who goes down the same road with me, I hope that I struggle on for what is best.

-Nic